I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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