Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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