I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
cat food counts as protein by the way
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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