I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
