I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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