i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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