he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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