Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
