you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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