You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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