"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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