Soap is not a condiment
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
