I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
3pm strippers are depressing
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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