Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
