I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
