I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
