She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
