R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
