Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
