i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
