I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
