i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
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