hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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