Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
