my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
