ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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