I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
