Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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