i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
