hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
