i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
