There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
