Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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