weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
