I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
