just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
