You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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