omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
