taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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