I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Every concussion has its silver lining
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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