I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
