Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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