Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
