hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize