If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
