on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
