The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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