Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
