Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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