Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
