my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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