so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
