Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
