Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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