life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
