Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
