I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
