Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
BRING THE BAGELS
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
