Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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